Impossible to Talk

You know what the hardest thing about this damn situation is? That no one understands. I’m a person who thrives on sharing feelings and emotions. Yes I like telling my side, but I also like hearing from other people.

I’m a sharer.

So when I try to talk and share about life now, it’s so frustrating feeling like I can go from one instant of spilling out how I truly feel to feeling like I have defend my choices and my husband.

How do you tell someone who cannot understand that its possible to be angry, sad, happy, in love, and protective all at once? How do you explain to someone that yes you can tell how guilty and sad and even angry this situation makes your husband feel. Yes, he did cause the situation of cheating to arise, but he sure wasn’t fighting on his own. The marriage didn’t turn to crap on his own. No , he shouldn’t have cheated…plain and simple. But there is so much more to a marriage than black and white.

So I shut up. It’s impossible to explain the situation or feelings to someone who hasn’t been there. I’m also sick of feeling like I have to swing from being hurt because I am still dealing with my own feelings to feeling the vigorous need to defend my husband. Whether you agree with my decision or not, whether you like my husband or not…he is still my husband. Clearly I still care about him because I am still here and fighting for this marriage.

:: Throws hands  up in the air :: UGH! It’s a circular argument almost. Clearly I’m losing my damn mind.


Setting Myself Back

Flashbacks are hell

I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I don’t know if it’s the fact that this is evidently the time last year when hubby HAD the affair or what, but when I’m driving in my car and just kind of letting my mind drift I start picturing him having sex with S.B.

I’ve had super violent dreams about this too. Like last weekend, I dreamt that I found out about a new affair and literally smashed our computer through the window and into pieces in anger (smashed it in the dream). Last night seemed to be the cusp of many things.

Last night I could not sleep. I tossed and turned and the hubby finally asked me what was going on because he wasn’t able to fall asleep. I told him that I wanted so bad to look at his phone but then again I didn’t. He didn’t say a word, just handed me his phone.

Then he told me to just talk. So I did in fits and starts before just beginning to sob. I told him how scared I am and how much I hurt. That to sit here and look at Christmas is not to look forward to the season at all, its to sit there and think that this time last year he was sleeping with another woman.

He asked me if what I wanted was to find something and I told no of course not. Yet for some reason I can’t handle all the things going in my mind right now. I wish I had another woman who is not in a successful marriage able to talk to. One whose husband cheated and then they worked things out. I just want to not feel so damn alone. I’m starting to wonder if I might need to go find a counselor for myself just to handle all this.

Discussing Ending Things

2011 began with a bang. Too bad I didn’t know how big a bang my husband was participating in back in December 2010.

Evidently that was when he “banged” she-bitch (s.b. for future reference).

I’m sorry is this too many puns for you, can’t help it….humor is how I handle all of this.

From January 2011 until the day I found out about the affair our marriage deteriorated Literally it just crumbled, until we literally could say we fought without fail every single Sunday. Sunday being the only day we shared off together. Hubby would talk to s.b. every day. He’d tell me they were “just friends” but I knew something was up.

Honestly, I ignored it. It was easier to just say screw it and fight about the little shit than to deal with the big mess that our marriage had become. We did talk about divorce several times. We even discussed how we’d split the money, etc. I guess you could say we got to the point where we quit caring. Then on my birthday during the summer, we finally looked at each other and said enough.

I found more texts and photos and basically said choose. You want me, you want this marriage than its time to attend marriage counseling.

Marriage counseling helped us identify some issues and over come a lot of communication struggles, but even here the hubby lied about cheating. It was blatantly asked by me and the counselor if he had ever done so and “No, I would never do that” was the response.

Fast forward to September and despite counseling I was frustrated because I felt like we had hit a wall. That wall was discovered after some texts and a phone call.

Pathetic part is, the hubby is sitting in bed. I’ve got s.b. on speakerphone telling me all about this affair and pictures of proof I requested texted to me and he still DENIES IT.

That still pisses me off.

Its only after I called my mother to come over, where I’m crying in a ball in the bathroom, and she confronts him that he admits the truth.

He slept with s.b. once and that was it.

The Year After

Last I left off we had a HUGE fight during the holiday of 2009. As I mentioned, we didn’t divorce but I sure was more suspicious of him and everything he did.

I can’t sit here and say that’s what caused all of our problems, but things didn’t get great from this point. We bought a house and hubby found a new job which at first was a blessing. Then the new job turned into a nightmare of no time off together, opposite work schedules, alarms going off at 2 a.m. and more.

Plus at work, unlike his previous job, he worked with a LOT of women. Hubby is friendly and clueless oftentimes. You can flirt it up with him and he’ll never know he was being flirted with because he’s “just a friendly guy being nice” (his words not mine.) Suffice to say I was not keen on this environment, but I thought things would get better since our big fight.

Oh how wrong I was.

We got distant because of job and relationship stress. I sought connections with female friends….and evidently so did he. I didn’t realize though that the damn cellphone issues of texting and “sexting” and photo-sharing had continued until he was in the shower and I was snooping in his phone.

Yup I snooped. Kiss it…my husband should never have anything on his phone that I can’t see and same goes for my phone and him. So me opening it should never have led to issues.

Instead I got treated to a LOVELY photo of a college pal of his and some rather specific details of what she wanted to do with him in the shower. Mediocre writing at best, but what can you expect from a woman who goes after other women’s husbands.

Suffice to say I lost it temper wise. I screamed, he screamed, you name it.

This pattern would repeat itself every few months.

Our bedroom life was down to rare occasions and awkward time.

HOWEVER – in all of this a huge fight would happen and then we’d have several great weeks. I know, you’re wondering why I stuck around but its hard to explain the good weeks. They were really really good. We’d flirt, we’d laugh, we’d enjoy each other’s company.

We’d play video games together and eat together and share our day’s activities with each other. We had a marriage and it wasn’t a horrible one at all.

It’s so hard to explain that to someone who hasn’t been there, but despite the crap I was dealing with I didn’t feel like our marriage was well, crap. We just had to “work” through some things.


Out of Therapy

So hubby and I are no longer in marriage counseling. We quit after attending for 5 months. Mostly we quit because the hubby was laid off and while I can and do support us, I can’t support marriage counseling and a bunch of other “Extras.”

We are doing better. It’s weird to say that, but we are moving on and forward. I’m having a little issue with his damn cellphone still, but I have a sneaky feeling I’ll always feel that way. That sucks of course, but what can you do?? I don’t see how I’ll ever be 100% comfortable with him and the cellphone given all that has occurred.

Of course this would probably make more sense to you if I explained all that. Clearly I need to get back on my game of telling the story of the affair.

As you may be aware its Thanksgiving time frame for the USA and that means it’s also holiday shopping time. I’m sure this is going to sound stupid, but I have no clue how to handle the hubby’s brother and father. In part because they are hard to shop for anyway, and in part because hubby has never told them WHY we were having all those issues.

Why I left his ass in a parking lot one day and drove my own ass home so that he’d have to call them for a ride.

Ergo, they think I was being ubber bitch and that’s not the whole story by any means. Which irks me because I’m tired of his family thinking I’m a controlling bitch. What I am is a rightfully upset wife whose husband decided to sleep with another woman during the 2nd year of our marriage.

Oh and speaking of holiday shopping, my F-I-L who has in the past given AMAZING gifts, (yes I know how shallow I sound about all this) has already told my husband that he’s not sure he’s giving me a gift this year. Meanwhile I know damn good and well he’s bought my husband 2 items, etc.

Again – soooooo shallow but it pisses me off because I know the issue here is he thinks I “wronged” his child and he’s got no clue the REAL story.

Ugh. Holidays and Families make everything complicated.

Just Trying to Breathe

Its six a.m. on a Saturday and I’m wide awake. I’ve not been sleeping very well lately because every time I turn around I have a lot on my mind.

We’re not doing horrible per se, and in fact most days I’d say we’re doing better than before the whole sordid mess came to light. Yet….there is a lot of hesitation. Hesitation to reach out, or perhaps a lack of desire to reach out? I don’t know, I do know the marriage was worse off than either of us realized and what has happened is that by finding out about the affair the truth of HOW bad things were finally came to light.

So yes we’re doing better but that better isn’t the better we’d hoped it would be. Does that even make sense?

It is hard to lay in bed beside one another and realize that for whatever reason cuddling doesn’t happen. Its like there is this wall and both of us are afraid to reach up, want the other to reach up first, etc. Its pretty crazy because we both WANT this to work and we both WANT the love and closeness of a tight marriage, but neither of us want to be the first to reach out.

It’s so much harder to move past things than I expected. I knew it would be hard because we had to start over and we no longer had a blank slate. Yet there are days when I’m alone in the shower wondering why did I bother staying? He waffles so much on what he wants and yet he’s here every night. He’s home every night.

I wish I didn’t feel so alone.

I wish I didn’t feel like he doesn’t want me.

I wish my marriage was more like the loving couples I see in the mall. The happy families. The kissing couples.

But wishes are shooting stars and I haven’t seen those lately either.

I’ll try to post more in the next week or two.